Scruples in children

The right balance is essential

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Yesterday in The School for Housewives’ paid subscriber chat we had some good conversations about finances, worries about having more babies (but being brave!), and a few other topics.

One of them touched on religious scrupulosity in children.

That’s a problem with many facets; parents aim to strike a balance of teaching, observing, having standards, but also not stressing children out about the faith or right conduct.

Overall, we need merriment, confidence, and contentment in the home so our children develop in a healthy, normal way!

We have to give them interior freedom and respect the intimacy of their relationship with God, which they will not be able to express. We offer firm teaching, beauty, and breathing room, not pressuring with undo intensity. To our children, we represent God (see the 4th Commandment) until such time as they can look beyond us.

God, of course, is quite strict but also patient and loving.

I recommend the book Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jacques Philippe (affiliate link). In it, Fr. Philippe collects many gems from venerable spiritual masters to help us reconcile ourselves to our littleness. Everyone I know gets to the end and just starts again.

It's so encouraging. There is one bit that is a quote from St. Francis de Sales in a letter to St. Jane de Chantal that can guide our approach to our children’s spiritual life:

"... [I want you to] pursue [virtues] briskly, openly naively, in an old-fashioned way, with liberty, sincerity, and grosso modo. It is because I fear the spirit of constraint and melancholy. It is my wish that you should have a large and open heart on the way to our Lord."

Here, grosso modo means “more or less,” without being overly refined, or overthinking, or, in short, scrupulous.*

He's saying that someone in St. Jane de Chantal’s position (a laywoman) should not scrutinize every little thing in her spiritual life, because the Lord wants us to be "brisk" and cheerful. Let’s bring this advice to bear on how we guide our children as well, being careful not to burden them or seek direct responses from them to reassure ourselves.

I think every word in this little passage from St. Francis de Sales is so helpful! “In an old-fashioned way”! Love it.

*There can be organic reasons children become scrupulous or OCD. The mother, the good housewife, has her eye on those factors as well.

Cornelia J. Hoff

As with everything here at the SFH, the best thing is for you to take my ideas, which come from my experience of escaping feminism to enjoy the gift of 45 years of marriage, seven children, and more than a score of grandchildren, and apply them to your situation with discernment, prudence, and confidence — and a sense of humor!

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For the longer version:

My book on how to live with the Liturgical Year: The Little Oratory