Act, don't react!
The best way to approach discipline.
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Now all chastisement for the present indeed seemeth not to bring with it joy, but sorrow: but afterwards it will yield, to them that are exercised by it, the most peaceable fruit of justice. ~ Hebrews 12:11
It’s easy to be swayed by whatever parenting trend is going on. But one way or another, most of it is something along the lines of “here’s how to react to what your child is doing.” Endlessly explanatory and gentle, or strict and unyielding: which way?
Having raised seven children, made all the mistakes, and seen others make all the mistakes, I can tell you one thing for sure: we’re all reacting all day long to everything and everyone. But for the good of the child, we need to pray and think about how we want to act, not react.
Perennial wisdom, found in good traditions and in Scripture, guides us to see that children need both a firm hand and plenty of love, understanding, and affection.
“Is this behavior good for my child and for others? Is it normal for his age? Does he need any intervention at all or am I randomly asserting authority where it’s bound to backfire, and we all know it? Should my intervention be to show him a way to grow, or should it require him to demonstrate self control, even if it’s not easy for either of us? Is it a bad habit? Is it innocent? Am I feeling the need to intervene because I think someone who doesn’t understand what’s going on wants me to? Am I afraid of the short-term sorrow?” And so on.
We have to walk the line between basically letting them be and also teaching them to trust us and respond with prompt obedience. This balance gives them self control and makes them nice to be around. It takes practice on all sides.
It’s not for nothing that people have always said children make parents grow in virtue!
Avoid the analysis spiral, but because of the lack of collective memory around us, do build good habits built on observation and conclusions. When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by your child’s behavior, ask yourself: “Am I reacting to him, or acting for his good?”
Beatrix Potter: Tale of Two Bad Mice
Thanks for being here! Apply my thoughts to your situation with discernment, prudence, and confidence — and a sense of humor!
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For the longer version of this Substack and much more on this topic:
My 3-volume book on Order and Wonder in Family Life:
How did you know my little bad mice were dumping things?! LOL.
As usual, in these areas, spot on. A balance between letting them be and teaching prompt obedience. So difficult!!
Any advice for a little boy (7, almost 8) with a recently-ish developed bad habit of responding to parental requests/reminders/whatnot with ghastly inhuman sounds (grunts, bellows, groans etc)?! I have to say both my husband and I react *intensely* to this because we find it incredibly disrespectful and horrible! Even having him redo his response politely right away (in addition to any other consequence we might give) often becomes a whole thing (and is compounded by the fact that any form of public correction is absolutely anathema to him). Ah!